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Blognostications

Rating: 2 votes, 5.00 average.
by , 09-11-09 at 11:03 PM (5295 Views)
It’s the fool’s season. Time to make a wish, throw a dart, say a prayer, make a human sacrifice, consult the Gods.

It’s the start of the 2009 NFL season and it’s prediction time.

And certainly, this fool is going to make a prediction. But not before a thoughtful, cerebral, academic pause. Because, really, who the hell do I think I am? What precise, educated, and informed knowledge leads me to a conclusion others should pay more than a passing attention to? Yes – I am a UVa grad, but even we blessed few ought to consider other viewpoints before setting the lesser amongst us straight.

Worry not my friends. I’ve done my homework. Rest assured. This is no Johnny-come-lately prediction blog. It’s the ‘real thing’ (like Coke – seriously!), the alpha, the omega, hell, the shizzle….. There’s nearly greater than a 50% chance my predictions will ring true, right up there with the future foretold by Nostradamus, the Mayan’s, and Cris Collinsworth.

So seriously. Trust me. Would I lie to you?

But before you invest in my word, it’s only fair I give you full benefit of my own painstaking work, my due diligence, as I’ve scoured the modern world and internet in search of truth and beauty (I looked for Justice and the American Way, but frankly, that gave me a headache!).

So, without further ado, I bring you truth as 2009 wisdom and technology views it, the fool-proof, wise, and infallible predictions of the greatest technological resources ever available to man.

The Magic 8 Ball

Magic 8 Ball, will the 2009 Washington Redskins have a winning season?
Signs point to ‘yes’

Will the 2009 Washington Redskins make the playoffs?
Signs point to ‘no’

You suck Magic 8 Ball
………..(gutless Magic 8 Ball silence)…..

Will the Dallas Cowboys have a winning season?
My sources say ‘yes’

I’m seriously not digging on you Magic 8 Ball, but will Dallas make the playoffs?
Better not tell you now

Yeah. That might be best Magic 8 Ball

Will the Philadelphia Eagles have a winning season?
My sources say ‘yes’

Will the Eagles make the playoffs?
It is decidedly so

Die Magic 8 Ball, Die!

Will the Eagles win the NFC Championship?
I don’t think so

And do the Giants make the playoffs in 2009?
Don't count on it.


Ouija Board

Will the 2009 Washington Redskins have a winning season?
’Yes’

Will the 2009 Washington Redskins make the playoffs?
‘Yes’

Have I mentioned I’m a big fan of yours Captain Howdy?
Well, like Tom Cruise, we're friends with the Owner.

Will the 2009 Washington Redskins win the NFC Championship?
’Yes’

Hail Satan baby, have I told you how much I love you?
(in high-pitched voice) 'Awwwwk-waaarrrrrd!'

Will the 2009 Washington Redskins win the Super Bowl?
’No’

Bummer

Will the Dallas Cowboys have a winning season?
’Not’ (letters spelled out by ‘Ouija’ for dramatic effect!)

Will the Philadelphia Eagles have a winning season?
’No’

You’re close to redeeming yourself for that Super Bowl prediction beezlebub...

Will the New York Giants have a winning season?
’No’

Oh hell, I think I love you dark prince!
I get that a lot.


The Psychic Hotline

Will the 2009 Washington Redskins have a winning season?
’The Future is Unclear’

Will the 2009 Washington Redskins make the playoffs?
’Yes’

Will the 2009 Washington Redskins win the NFC Championship?
I believe so…

Not exactly decisive, are you Psychic Hotline woman?

Will the 2009 Washington Redskins be Super Bowl champs?
Definitely.

Now we’re talking Kreskin...

Will the Dallas Cowboys have a winning season?
Ask me again later

Gotcha. *wink* Don’t wanna ruffle Jerrah’s feathers or anything, right? Enough said.

How about the Eagles in 2009?
It’s not in the stars

And the G-men of New York?
A winning season, but no playoffs this year


Madam Poot – Internet Fortune Teller

Will the 2009 Washington Redskins have a winning season?
The future is what we make of it

What – are you shittin’ me?

Are you saying the Redskins make the playoffs?
There is a good chance

So they could be the eventual NFC champions?
I believe so

What – are you friggin’ Dick Cheney now? You ‘believe so’?
I'm an independent, I vote for the man, not the party

Will the Skins win the Super Bowl this year, or not?
Consult with others, someone real close to you has the answer

What – Om again! Dammnit, can’t I ever be the smart one??

Will the Dallas Cowboys have a winning season?
No

Do the Giants break .500 in 2009?
Yep

Are you saying the G-men make the playoffs?
Yes – but they lose early. Philly wins the NFC Championship but loses yet again in the Super Bowl

I hate you. And yet, I find you strangely attractive at the same time.


The Wife (she can’t be any further off than the devil now, can she?)

Will the 2009 Washington Redskins have a winning season?
Yes

Are the Redskins a playoff team in 2009?
No

I never liked your mother

What about the Cowboys, do they break .500?
No

That new makeup really highlights your eyes

And the Giants?
They make the playoffs but lose early on.

Have you lost some weight?

What about the Eagles?
The win the NFC Championship

Did I mention I really loathe your mother?

But lose the Super Bowl…again…

Although she does have her good qualities….


All internet and familial prognostications aside, what do I really believe is going to happen in 2009? First of all, my disclaimer – NONE of us have a clue what might happen. The ‘professionals’ base their predictions on nothing more than hype, the previous season’s results, and a casual knowledge of the NFL landscape. We’d all be safe marking teams like the Steelers, Patriots, Packers, and Chargers for successful seasons. But in today’s NFL, we know there will be teams on the rise that take conventional wisdom and turn it on it’s ear. I think it’s quite possible the Washington Redskins might be one of those teams this season, although I’ve not heard even the most daring of NFL soothsayers take a chance on them.

I’m your huckleberry.

Dallas? Way overated. They’ll finish 7-9 and they’ll sport a still-too-low jumbotron and have a new head coach in 2010.

The G-men? Still a great team. They’ll battle the Redskins to the finish, tying us at 10-6, but settling for a wildcard berth, bowing to our superior NFC East record.

And the Iggles? Perenially overrated, their defense will take a mighty fall. They’ll muster enough offense to finish 9-7 but miss the playoffs.

And my beloved Redskins? They’ll finish the year with the 2nd ranked defense, and the 15th ranked offense. The Redskins will record a +12 season turnover ratio. Jason Campbell will miss at least 3 games due to injury, but will still break 3,700 yards passing and throw 25 touchdown passes. Santana Moss will lead all NFC WR’s in receiving yards. Brian Orakpo will win defensive Rookie of the Year honors. The Redskins make it to the NFC Championship game, but lose to Green Bay (the eventual SB champs) on the road. On the heels of a surprisingly successful season, Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell will earn new longterm contracts.

That’s how I see it.

Either that, or it could turn out entirely differently.

I’ll get back to you on that.
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